Harvard University

2009-08-16T07:00:29Z

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[[Image:Columbiaharvard.jpg|thumb|Early [[football]] game between Columbia and Harvard. Characteristically, Harvard is winning.]]

'''Harvard University''' (also known as '''The Kremlin on the Charles''') is a mediocre university in a dull [[Boston]] [[Cambridge, Massachusetts|suburb]] that was preemptively set up to accommodate students who don't get into Columbia.

[[Barack Obama|Some Columbia alumni]] [[Barack Obama|who attend Harvard graduate schools]] [[Barack Obama|occasionally neglect to mention their undergraduate alma mater]].

==Know Thy Safety==

Like Columbia, Harvard is actually a vast domain divided into an infinitude of fiefdoms. Columbia-trained anthropologists have investigated the following Harvard tribes:

===Harvard College===

[[Image:Harvardlibrary.jpg|thumb|Harvard's actual undergraduate library: architecture to inspire the intellectual achievement of a suburb near you]]

A repository for those unfortunate enough not to have been given the thumbs-up by [[Columbia College]]'s enlightened admissions office. [http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=514692 Sex-starved] and [http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/nation/20050113-0500-life-harvard.html fun-deprived], Harvard undergraduates are often desperate for recognition, leading to reprehensible acts of [http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=512948 intellectual property theft] perpetrated against creative Columbia students and alumni.

Given this state, it is not uncommon for recent Harvard graduates to infest New York shortly after receiving their [http://harvardmagazine.com/2001/07/the-ba-diploma-from-a-to.html low-grade English language diplomas]. Harvard graduates then typically engage in insignificant careers as late night talk show writers, when not bloating the waitlists of Columbia grad schools.

===Radcliffe College===

Radcliffe was once Harvard's [[Barnard]]. It was forced to completely dissolve in the 1990s, when Harvard decided it hated the idea of women doing anything independently.

[[Image:Harvardgraduation.jpg|thumb|left|Swelling with pride, newly-minted Harvard graduates hoist the university colors during their commencement ceremony]]

===Harvard Business School===

A factory for the production of [[w:Mitt Romney|slick tools]] and [[w:Boston Consulting Group|powerful]] [[w:McKinsey & Co.|consulting]] [[w:Bain & Co.|outfits]], Harvard Business School has its own, predictably country-club-like campus across the Charles River from the rest of Harvard, because apparently even [[w:Alan Dershowitz|Alan Dershowitz]] was too left-wing for them to be around.

===Kennedy School of Government===

Named for [[w:John F. Kennedy|one of Harvard's most famous (and most accidental) alumni]] (who only transferred from [[Princeton]] when a health scare forced him to stay closer to home), the K-School primarily educates hippie freak activists and foreign trust-fund babies (in addition to [[Bill O'Reilly]]) in the art of becoming languishing members of the current opposition party - a state [[w:David Gergen|most K-School faculty]] are all too familiar with.

[[Image:Hlsstudent.jpg|thumb|A Harvard Law student recovers after class]]

===Harvard Law School===

From the [[w:Eliot Spitzer|scandal-scalded]] to the [[w:Samantha Power|gaffe-gifted]], there is no powerful person screwing up the world that Harvard Law School has not educated. Known for its [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dcwC6exIWY punishing, psychologically-ruinous regime of torturous Foucauldian discipline], it is undoubtedly Harvard's most sinister organ.

===Harvard Medical School===

Where the victims of Harvard Law School receive treatment. It is actually located in [[Boston]], miles away from the main Harvard campus, in order not to be contaminated by the rest of the university.

===Harvard Divinity School===

Basically a monastery. Columbia does not have one for good reason.

== Harvard/Yale rivalry ==

Like many lesser institutions of learning, Harvard maintains a petty rivalry with [[Yale]], as evidenced in the following video:

<videoflash>f8DkO7h8Zfs</videoflash>

== 2009 Budget Crisis ==

[[Image:oliver28.jpg|thumb| A typical Harvard student protests cuts to dining services in the wake of financial crisis]]

In late 2006, Harvard was sitting on a chart-topping endowment of $35 billion. That year, Harvard's administration, mad with wealth, announced sweeping changes to its financial aid program. They offered free tuition to undergrads whose family income fall in the sub-$60k range. Students in the under $120k bracket would be asked to contribute no more than %10 of family income. Several other institutions of higher learning (whose names are not Columbia) soon followed Harvard's lead. Feeling the pressure, President Bollinger emphasized in an address his steadfast commitment to making Columbia affordable to all[http://www.wikicu.com/Image:FedColumbiaCartoon.jpg].

By mid 2009, however, Harvard's spendthrift ways had depleted its cash pile by some $8 billion, or about 22 percent. (To put this in perspective, Columbia's ''entire'' endowment was about $7.1 billion as of FY2008.) The financial implications of this disaster led one Harvard account manager to comment, "They are completely fucked."[http://www.vanityfair.com/online/daily/2009/06/harvard.html]

== External links ==
* http://www.harvard.edu/

[[Category:Universities]]
[[Category:Safety school]]

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2009-08-16T06:49:19Z

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Harvard University

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