Cornell University

Cornell students visit Ithaca's beautiful gorges to engage in their school's most popular pastime: drowning

Cornell University (as it is called by students and alumni), or SUNY Ithaca (as it is called by everybody else) is New York State's other Ivy League school. Located in some far-off upstate wilderness, it's known for being filled with Columbia rejects, having a SUNY agriculture school, and a hotel management academy. In addition, it was recently discovered that they have an "Interior Design" major. And it's not even in the Hotel School.

Cornell students are often noted for their insistence on reminding everyone that they went to an Ivy League school. For example, when alumni from each of the eight Ivy League schools were asked where they attended college, they responded:

Harvard Grad: I attended Harvard University.

Yale Grad: I went to Yale.

Princeton Grad: I went to Princeton.

Columbia Grad: I went to Columbia.

Dartmouth Grad: I went to Dartmouth.

Brown Grad: I went to Brown.

Penn Grad: I went to Penn...the Ivy League, not the state school.

Cornell Grad: I have an Ivy League education.

Needless to say, Cornell students and alumni are extremely self-conscious of their position at the bottom rung of the Ivy League ladder, and thus carry an enormous inferiority complex around with them. For instance, observing Cornell fans at Columbia sporting events (disgusting gloating when they win, vociferous bitching when they lose) will reveal that they possess the greatest inferiority complex to Columbia out of all the Ivies. The little-guy mentality also manifests itself in their decidedly fascist marching band, which can only be understood as another failed attempt by Cornell to rise above her smaller, brighter cousins.

Cornell students also tend to don "Ithaca Is Gorges" shirts. These reflect pride in the university's dramatic rate of picturesque suicides, in which it once rivaled NYU. Recently, the suicide rate has come down a bit. However, this only occurred after the Cornell administration established a totalitarian state where all student movements are watched and dissenters are sent to labor camps in Montreal.